


Sleep now under my skin (ease my mind)

by gabrielgoodman



Series: coda: you've arrived at last, my friend. [3]
Category: Bandstand - Oberacker/Oberacker & Taylor
Genre: Canon Disabled Character, Developing Relationship, Falling In Love, Getting Together, M/M, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 08:30:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11551419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabrielgoodman/pseuds/gabrielgoodman
Summary: Donny speaks of a monster on drums but once they meet the guy Wayne suggests it becomes evident that he's more lamb than lion. Jimmy falls for him anyway.All the times Jimmy fell in love with Johnny.





	Sleep now under my skin (ease my mind)

**Author's Note:**

> I know what you're thinking: Hey Henri, don't you have any chill? Don't you have exams to study for? The answers are no, I don't have any chill and yes, next week is exam week but that doesn't stop me from writing. This one was super tough to write I admit because I had a hard time nailing their characters but I got clearance from chief of the ship @ftwnhgn so I'm posting regardless of the struggle.
> 
> Unbeta'd, written in almost one go. No, not as angsty as the other parts because even my depressed self needs a break sometimes.
> 
> Titel: Matt Corby, Brother

Donny speaks of a monster on drums but once they meet the guy Wayne suggests it becomes evident that he's more lamb than lion.

Jimmy falls for him anyway. Or maybe that's exactly why; because Johnny is gentle while a war rages on in their hearts and their souls and their brains. A war that, even though it's over, has never really left.

 

*

 

Or maybe this is when Jimmy falls in love:

They're rehearsing and Donny is getting more and more frustrated by the minute. Their gigs are piling up and the state wide competition is coming closer and Wayne is still refusing to play a blue note for the life of his (" _but that's not how swing works, Wayne_ "). All of them are stressed; Davy's been drinking more during rehearsal even though he vowed not to, Nick is about to flip whenever someone plays a wrong note (he  _is_ surprisingly soft on Wayne, though) and Johnny has a particular hard time remembering anything that isn't put in song – if it wouldn't be for Davy, he wouldn't even be here today because he's been forgetting rehearsals for a while now – and Julia's trying her best to mediate. Jimmy himself hit three wrong notes in a row during their last play-through which hasn't happened to him ever since third grade or something like that; it's truly concerning.

So it doesn't come as a surprise that shortly after, Donny announces the rehearsal to be over and Wayne's heavy, relieved sigh is obscenely loud in the quiet room, always the first to pack up and leave. When Jimmy looks around after putting his saxophone away, he sees Nick tailing after Wayne because they always come and go together. Davy picks up a bottle and says his goodbye to Donny, who's chatting quietly with Julia. Jimmy considers going up to him for a second until he looks further and sees Johnny still sitting behind his drum kit, puzzled look on his face and sticks still in hand. 

"Hey, time to pack up and go home," Jimmy says as he's approaching him, and Johnny startles and looks up, directly into his eyes. He takes a step back, almost falling over his feet, struck by the intensity of Johnny's gaze and suddenly he's back on a ship, lost on sea with nowhere else to go but towards the horizon, drowning in someone else's eyes. Jimmy swallows and ignores the heat pooling in his stomach regardless of the memory playing in his head over and over, like a broken record. It's not Johnny's fault. This is not Johnny. Johnny is no ocean.

"Oh, wait, right, that's what Donny just said, didn't he? That's why everyone's already gone," Johnny says and stands up, putting his sticks into the back pocket of his pants, next to where Jimmy knows are his keys so he doesn't forget about them (Davy told him that sometimes Johnnyforgets regardless; he knows it was supposed to be a joke but Davy couldn't wipe the concerned expression off his face completely).

Jimmy has noticed that after rehearsals or performances, Johnny's moves are more fluid and he walks without the slight limp in his step; today though, Johnny moves as if he's really been put into reverse, slow, careful, drowsy and it seems that his limbs are so heavy, lifting them is too much. 

And Jimmy can't take it. It physically pains him to watch, all this injustice in one body, all the confusion in those beautiful eyes, all the scars on a man whose future should've been brighter than the dull reality they live through every day. 

But there's nothing he can do, nothing he allows himself to do; this is no legal case, no battlefield, this is Johnny. And Johnny is no ocean.

"Here," he says, and hands Johnny his jacket who takes it absentmindedly and their fingers brush for the second they are both holding onto the piece of clothing and suddenly Jimmy is back in a school hallway with Bobby from his marching band who could play the piano almost as well as Donny. He blushes. It's dumb and selfish and he shouldn't but his body has apparently cut all connection to his brain. Serves him just right. 

For a beat Johnny stares at the jacket in his hand and then at Jimmy, who has put his hands into the pockets of his pants so he doesn't touch anything off limits anymore.  

"Thank you," Johnny says sweet and honest, a little wonder in his voice. He probably looks at the stars and finds a new one every night. Or he doesn't. 

Jimmy should stop being so sentimental, it doesn't suit him and never did. 

"Hey Simpson, are you coming? I'm gonna bring you home," Davy yells from the other end of the room where he got caught up in a conversation with Donny and Julia and Johnny perks up, his eyes finally directed somewhere else, somewhere that's not Jimmy who can breathe a little easier now.

"See you tomorrow," Johnny says and before Jimmy's brain can come up with an answer (" _Bye, see you_ ," " _Yeah, have a good night_ ,"" _I'll see you tomorrow_ ," or something equally simple to say) he's already gone, hugging Julia and shaking hands with Donny (because Johnny does that; shaking hands) and on the way out with Davy, who turns around and has the audacity to wink at Jimmy. 

Long after Jimmy has arrived back home he finds himself remembering the touch of Johnny's hand, the warmth of his smile, the rhythm of his drum kit and the shape of his arms. He takes a cold shower and goes to bed early to fall into a restless sleep, dreaming of waves and Johnny's sky blue eyes.

 

*

 

Or it is then:

They're on the train to New York and Davy hasn't shut up about all the drinks they serve in first class for the last 10 minutes and frankly, it's giving Jimmy a headache. He's obviously excited to go to New York City, after all they've been through enough and he's sure that no one but the Donny Nova Band featuring Julia Trojan deserves it more but he's also anxious if there's something else they missed; Donny's too caught up in his vision of becoming a famous movie star to notice and he's been slightly distracted ever since Julia re-arranged Welcome Home. Jimmy's not dumb and definitely not blind. Years of having to hide a huge part of his life have made him observant and perceptive, and he's almost an expert when it comes to harboring unrequited crushes or feelings for someone off limits (He pointedly  _doesn't _ think of Johnny or looks at him, how he's making eyes the size of the moon at the landscape flying by) and he sees the way Julia and Donny look at each other. It's been a while since anyone looked at Jimmy that way. 

So, Jimmy knows he has a soft spot for Johnny and they're sitting next to each other on the train, Johnny with his hands on the window, turned away from Jimmy and  _God,_  is he thankful for it. That way he doesn't have to look at the line of Johnny's temple or the curve of Johnny's jaw or, God forbid, his  _mouth_.  Now all that's tempting him is Johnny's smell (pine needles and soap), the messy curls on the top of his head and the set of his shoulders, strong and secure. 

"Man, this train is going really fast," Johnny mumbles and Jimmy, who tried to read a law book he's brought with himself (exams are in two months and he doesn't intend to fail), gives up and looks at Johnny, who's still staring out of the window, "I don't think I've ever been as excited as I am right now and if so, I can't remember anyway."

"We should be there soon and don't remind me of tomorrow, who knows if I can sleep tonight at all," Jimmy answers. 

Johnny finally takes his hands off the window and turns around in his seat to face Jimmy and says, "I sometimes have trouble sleeping too, you know? Sometimes it hurts so much that I can't even lie down."

Jimmy's mouth runs dry. They don't talk about such things. They've all gone through it one way or another but _they_ _don't talk about it_.

"But you have pain killers, don't you?" Jimmy asks, softening the last words. Maybe Johnny didn't want to say it, maybe he's oblivious to what it means – but maybe he just  _trusts_ Jimmy with this information (it's been a while since someone did this) and wants to get it out of his chest because that's just the way Johnny works. 

He makes a face, "Yeah, and they work but they make me so hazy, you know? And sometimes they don't work. I'm getting checked every month, my medication changes a lot." 

"Oh," Jimmy says, "Are you having any difficulties right now?"

It's nice to hear Johnny's voice; they all found out quickly that for all he's been through, if you spend time with Johnny he'll be happy to talk. Maybe it's because he doesn't remember and desperately wants to be part of their world but Jimmy can't imagine what's worse – to never have a night full of rest again because of the nightmares or not connecting to a story you're very much part of, one, that has rewritten the mind of a whole nation. 

In this moment, on this train, he realizes that Johnny's story is not the one they've been telling all along, not the one they would like to see on TV or they heard in the hospital. Johnny, for all his cheerful exterior, must feels like a lost puzzle piece, forever without the other half. He wonders if he can even remember his years in school or the way his mother used to look when she laughs. 

It's personal. It's the kind of stuff Jimmy shouldn't think about for his own peace of mind and the sake of his heart. 

"It's my back, you know? Because of the shell that hit my jeep and it flipped. Three times, you know, three times. They told me that and I held on to the steering wheel like a mad man and had three operations. I was in the hospital for a long time. Doctors say it's something with the nerves but I can't remember. I don't like sitting around so much but I took my painkillers, so I'm fine and we're going to New York City after all," Johnny says and shrugs, decorating his last words with a bright grin that you would never find on Nick or Wayne's faces. 

Jimmy knows most of this but he tries not to think about Johnny in the wreck of a car, just like he held on to the wreck of a ship, high on sea, trapped and bleeding. 

"Johnny? I'm glad you made it back, yeah? It's really good you're here with us," Jimmy says with as much honesty he can muster without blowing his cover and Johnny's eyes light up, matching his smile. 

He's so  _beautiful_. And  his foot brushes against Jimmy's ankle in that moment and Jimmy's eyes widen comically and Johnny chuckles. There's the slight hint of a blush dusting his nose. 

"I'm glad you're here too, Jimmy."

 

*

 

Maybe it is then:

They're on the floor of their hotel rooms. Jimmy can't stop thinking about Johnny's foot brushing against his ankle earlier on the train and they're walking to their respective rooms. Davy is down at the bar, Nick and Wayne are in their room, doing God knows what, and Donny and Julia went out a while ago (Jimmy didn't miss Donny checking himself three times in the mirror and he can't believe he ever had something resembling a crush on the guy) and Johnny didn't want to go out to see Times Square alone so he went with him and squeezed as many Broadway theaters as Johnny could handle into their little trip (he made a list back home in Cleveland of every theater he wants to see, categorized by the size of their orchestra and the popularity of the shows).

It's late but not too late and Jimmy's exhausted, can't stay a minute longer on his feet and he wonders how Johnny must feel. He thinks too much about Johnny andlogically it doesn't make sense. Johnny is no ocean. 

So they're in the hallway. Johnny's wearing his favorite hat. The carpet probably has a higher thread count than the sheets on Jimmy's bed. 

And this is what Jimmy wants: to kiss Johnny. He's done with depriving himself the things he desires because whatever happens then, he's been through worse. This is no sea, this is not treading through high waters and he knows that this is what he needs with such clarity, it actually surprises him.

They're walking together too close for friends and definitely way too close for what is socially appropriate and he knows that because he's spend half his life obsessing over what is suspicious and what isn't when it comes to his idea of romance but they don't move an inch apart. Johnny's limping again, his right leg, and now he knows it's because the pain in his back sometimes gets so bad that he feels it right down to his toes. Jimmy's overcome with the urge to touch him, to make sure he's real and no hallucination, to map his body out with the span of his hands and trace every scar, every mole with the tip of his fingers. This is what he wants: to make Johnny feel loved and desired.

They stop in front of Johnny's and Davy's room which is between their other two rooms they've booked on this floor (only Julia's is a floor up) and Johnny pats down his suit jacket and pants; in the elevator up he rubbed his eyes so Jimmy knows that this night won't end with entangled legs and shared breaths and that's okay. He's pretty beat anyway. 

"Oh, wait, I pocketed your key! You forgot." It comes to Jimmy's mind as Johnny keeps on patting down his jacket and pants, even the pocket of his shirt, and he shifts his weight onto his left leg to reach into the right inner pocket of his own jacket, fishing out the room key Johnny almost left behind. 

"Right," Johnny says like it makes total sense, "Thank you for not letting me lock myself out of my room," and giggles at his own words. It's so endearing, Jesus Christ, Jimmy's never been so smitten before. Who cares about Bobby from High School or Donny Nova, this is why his heart is about to beat through every layer of clothing he put on. 

"Would never do that," Jimmy laughs, a little breathless. The hotel lighting is as unflattering as any but Johnny still looks good, leaning against the door. Tired but good.

"So, uh .... You wanna come in or you wanna go to bed? It's okay if you want to go to bed, I'm pretty tired myself," Johnny says and takes off his hat, a nervous tick of him, just like the drumming of his fingers and the perfectly rhythmic tapping of his foot.

This is what Jimmy wants: to press Johnny into expensive sheets and show him what it means to be worth much more. 

This is what Jimmy does:

He shakes his head, lightly, and sees Johnny's expression fall, flat as a lake, "No, it's better for us if we go to sleep." 

"I'm sorry, really, did I – Did I misunderstand something again? Just tell me, it happens all the time, and I don't. I really like you and I just don't want to make a fool of myself," Johnny says, looking down at his shoes, and Jimmy can see through every layer of every word: This is just a man who wants to be loved the way he is and treated with respect, the way he deserves it. 

(" _I really like you" he said, pure and simple_ )

"That's not what I meant, Johnny," he clarifies and Johnny looks up, "I care a great deal about you but today is not the right time."

"You ...  _Care about me_? " Johnny asks and Jimmy – Jimmy takes his hand, the one that's been drumming on the wood.

"I – yeah, I really like you too. A lot. Probably more than I should," Jimmy sighs but Johnny's fingers curl around his and they are sweaty and shaky but that doesn't matter because it feels so right. "I'm going to bed now, yeah? But I had a good day today."

Johnny looks at their hands and then at Jimmy and nods, "Yeah, I know what you mean, I had a pretty good first day in New York City too," He says it like he still has to pinch himself that he's here. If Jimmy's honest they probably all have to. 

"I – okay, I'll go. Good night, I hope you sleep well," Jimmy says and lifts himself up a little to kiss Johnny on the cheek and Johnny's so surprised that his eyes widen and he lets his hat fall down to the floor to lay a hand on Jimmy's hip in one startled motion. 

"Have a good night, Jimmy. And could you tell Donny I'll – I'll look over – over the numbers tomorrow or – someday else. Whatever suits him," Johnny says and touches his cheek where Jimmy just kissed him in awe. His nose has that sweet tint of red again and Jimmy can only imagine how he looks right now, probably as red as a fire hydrant, and he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose, trying not to fall over his own feet on the short way to his own room. When he can hear Johnny unlock the door, they share a last glance before they part ways for tonight and Jimmy's hands are so sweaty that the key slips out of them and he scrambles to pick it up, thankful that the door to Johnny's and Davy's room is already closed. 

When he falls asleep, he dreams of nothing and sleeps for 6 whole hours for the first since he's been home. 

 

*

 

And lastly, it could've been back then:

They are having dinner in a fancy restaurant Wayne picked out because it was the cleanest place they could find and despite the fame and fortune old habits die hard. Nick and him have been holding hands on and off, for as long as Wayne allows it, for the past three hours but Jimmy keeps his mouth shut like a trap and keeps up a light conversation with Donny (Yet, they are the least people Jimmy would've ever expected to think of in the same breath as  _hand holding._  Wayne has been to the toilet four times already, presumably to wash his hands, but he's very committed to this. Nick's been calm the whole three hours even when the waitress was late. Maybe it's therapeutic for the both of them). 

Under the table, Johnny's ankle is hooked around Jimmy's and they share profound looks every now and then when someone else is talking but them – Davy is in the middle of explaining a joke about cheaters and jungles to Johnny, it has to do with gambling and Julia's chiming in whenever Davy can't find the right words. They're great with Johnny and it warms Jimmy's heart like a steady flame fostering in his chest; no ocean, no sea, no lake, no water in his lungs but a bonfire between his rips. 

They're already done with their food but they keep sitting and talking anyway because they're a family. Jimmy has a family now. It's crazy. It's overwhelming. Johnny's presence alone is overwhelming and he needs to  _ finally _  kiss him.

That's what he wants and what he hasn't done yet. Maybe he's too careful but Johnny hasn't made any attempt to do it either and it's only been two months since the night in New York and the Broadcast. They're taking baby steps. He needs to be ready for this; they don't have the kind of history Nick and Wayne or the undeniable meant-to-be-fairytale Julia and Donny have (that approach may be a little simplistic but Jimmy's too tired to come up with anything more fancy; it's been a week since he's finished his exams and his brain is still recovering). 

A little later Donny pays the bill and they pour into the streets of Manhattan, Wayne and Nick now more reserved than before but still closer than they probably should be, Davy has an arm slung around Julia's shoulder and they're laughing while Donny looks at them as if they just hang the stars in the sky (he's too fond of this band, Jimmy realizes, maybe they need to have another talk before Donny loses his heart once more) and so it's only Johnny and him at the back, walking a step behind everyone else and Jimmy's fidgety for their whole way back to the hotel, in the elevator and even when they're in their room - an almost-Déjà-vu of that fateful night the last time they were in the city – and it's only when he's sitting on the bed, still fully dressed, that Johnny confronts him.

"Are you okay? Have I done something wrong? You've been weird ever since we left the restaurant," Johnny says, stripping out of his suspenders and shirt. Jimmy's blood can't decide whether to rush north or south at the sight.

"I hope this is okay," Jimmy says as he gets up from the bed and walks over to Johnny, stopping in front of him with their chests touching and Johnny's hand automatically finding Jimmy's waist, fingers digging into fabric and soft flesh, and eyes flicking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth ( _like a wave_ ) before settling on lips. Johnny's breathing gets a little heavier. 

"Okay?" Jimmy asks again and Johnny nods and that's all the confirmation he needs to seal their lips together in one fluid motion; there's no real finesse in the kiss, it's been too long, but there's passion and gentleness and most of all sweet dedication and Jimmy wraps his arms around Johnny carefully, just to feel him, and Johnny's eyes slide shut and Jimmy's glasses dig uncomfortably into his face but he doesn't care because he's never been as content as he's in this moment, bad memories and battle scars be dammed, come hell or high water.

When they break apart Johnny's eyes are as dark as the night sky, specks of white dotting them like the constellations of stars. Jimmy's getting sentimental again and he knows it. 

Johnny's breathless, "You and – I and – Uh?"

"I'm sorry I just needed to do this," Jimmy says and he tries not to sound apologetic.

"No," Johnny says, "Its alright, I liked it, I. I'm in love with you, you know that right?"

And Jimmy is so far gone he doesn't hear anything else for the rest of the night, doesn't see anything else but Johnny's golden skin and blue eyes, a sea and a shore, but no ocean. Never an ocean. 

 

*

 

Or maybe it is now and he falls in love every single day all over again. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Hmu on my tumblr henribrl.


End file.
